The first post/Nightmare that wont end

What a way to start a blog, but today as I'm laying here in pain and exhausted, I felt the need to type or keep a journal of sorts. I'll start off by, for the record, explaining my cute little family first.


 Introducing the crazy Jones'.  There is my absolutely incredible husband Mavin. He is 28, in the Air Force and proud of it! He enjoys his job but has big, HUGE plans for the future. He's going to school dreaming of the day he gets his Bachelors Degree in Mechanical Engineering.  He is so brilliant that he has a hard time relating to me. ha ha ha Its true. He's an awesome hubby and Fabulous daddy. Then there is me, Hi. Ashley. I'm 24 with red hair and blue eyes. I'm also going to school. Working toward a certificate in Medical Transcription now, so I can work from home, and getting my Bachelors in Business later.  Jackson Dee, named after my maiden name, is next. He is 3 going on 20. He is this brilliant little man like his daddy.  He has the biggest smile in the world and can just make you laugh with the things he says.  Last but not least is our Brockton. He is officially 18 months. Went to nursery for the first time last Sunday and was FURIOUS when it was time to come home. He is always so super happy, climbs on everything in the house, and loves his big brother. I tell ya, the personalities that come out of our kids is just amazing.  Stubborn, head strong, brilliantly intelligent and completely adorable!  And we wouldn't change them for the world! (pictures to come) So here we are. I'm finally joining the future! lol. 


Today I started my miscarriage. I waited, kinda nervously, until my hubby got home from work to start the pills to help my miscarriage along.  All these days wondering why it felt like the right time to have another baby only to lose it and go through this.  Weeping for days.  In the book of Nephi in the Book of Mormon, chapter 1 verse 1 he states that he has "Know many Afflictions", but is also "Highly Favored of the Lord." I love that verse. No matter what afflictions he sends our way, we should think of it as a time to rise up to the challenge to better ourselves. He is molding us more and more into the tools he needs. To struggle knowing that he loves me, makes things look a bit brighter. He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.  But it still hurts.


 On Wednesday, my hubby and I went to my 11 week appointment. As we started the ultrasound I immediately knew something was wrong. The mid-wife there went to fetch a doctor to take a second look. Sadly, Mav and I watched helpless as the doctor searched for any hope only to come to the same conclusion. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks ago and there was no heartbeat.  In her search she found what looked like a blood clot that had formed between the placenta and my uterus. It had pulled the placenta to far from the wall for the baby to survive.  I sat in shock as we talked about the best way to handle it. Not wanting to do the D and C surgery, i opted to take pills to help my body decide it was time.  My biggest fear was that there was some way that we were mistaken and that I'd be killing this baby. But I know better. 


For days I have felt sadness, bitterness, anxiety thinking maybe I'd done it, stress and just ready to get to it so I could move on. Even my Jackson Dee asks about the baby in my tummy, which he told me the other day was a robot that would come bite him ;), U=I tell him the baby is broken and gone. Its hard at this moment.  Doctor Snow said there is no real reason for the blood clot. It just happened. I'm so super glad that I at least know what happened. I am glad that this is the way it went. To go full term only to have a still born or baby not able to live past a few min. Or to be farther along just to lose it this way. Or worse, for that sweet baby, to survive and live their life with the defect or damage. Mav and I would have loved he/she no matter what. But that child would have suffered. So, in this nightmare that doesn't want to end I see the blessings, and I still stand behind the belief that "Everything happens for a reason."


I've also had the chance to see how much love and support i have around me! It has been overwhelming. Even though with every visitor I have had brought on tears for both of us! I have received food, flowers, service and phone calls. I really didn't think my support system was this large. So thank you my incredible sisters! Thank you my amazing family! And I thank my Lord every second for the love of my life who has supported, served and loved me through it all! I love you all! Someday I hope to return the favor in some special way to you all!  


In every situation there is light and darkness. What you choose to see or dwell on makes your life.


Ash ;)